Out of the ashes

 I made a promise to myself that I would only respond to verbal communication but I over corrected. So much of communication is nonverbal. I should’ve promised that I would only respond to verbal communication from my mother. Because of the over correction people weren’t comfortable talking with me or to me about my behavior. Because of the emotional abuse, which was mainly nonverbal, I just didn’t want to respond to things that weren’t said. I was affected by the abuse, my molestation and the total lack of understanding by my white family. I had a harsh exterior but I needed one to survive. It really irks me knowing that I put other people through what I went through. I really didn’t know any other way. That’s where the cycle of abuse came out. I knew I was good at being in charge but to do so my worst qualities came out insuring that I wasn’t getting anywhere. That’s not me being a victim, it’s just fact. I’m so sorry. I’ve never been apologized to and I think that’s the difference between what I went through and what I put others through. The brain tumor didn’t help. Good luck at interpreting my behavior. A full understanding of my actions wasn’t possible. Important pieces that embarrassed me weren’t available. I’m not embarrassed anymore. I actually survived being abused, molested, being black in a white family and having brain cancer. Those aren’t small things.