Stuck

 When I was a child I was molested and it was only this year that I actually said it. Now here I am telling the internet but I refuse to feel shame for my truth and I’m not going to apologize for it. It’s my way of telling people but not dealing with the reaction. I realize now that I’ve got a lot of issues from it. You’d think that I would have been protected by a parent but I wasn’t. I don’t like to be touched. I don’t trust easy. I never found a partner.

I was also emotionally abused my whole life. I was depressed as a teen and I think I only have one happy memory with my cousins. They were throwing me back and forth in an above ground pool at my aunts house. When I was ice skating my mother got on the loudspeaker and announced I lost my bag. Do you remember the tiny backpacks from the 90’s? As children do, I lost it and because of that I was publicly embarrassed. I hate being embarrassed (I can’t watch embarrassing scenes in movies) and that was used as a tool against me.

Now I’m disabled. Really? Like I didn’t have enough to deal with. It’s just one more thing to face. Passing out, losing my balance, being struck with brain cancer, being disabled, not being able to eat, having a feeding tube, etc.. I guess you can just add them to the list.

I want to get out of my living situation but because of my disability I am literally stuck and I have absolutely no options. A nursing home has little appeal. Not only was I in a crappy one, I’m black and a lot of black people die from the coronavirus.